Moops Reviews: The worst time to be a sports fan

The dog days of summer are upon us, and with them comes the annual reminder that sports govern all facets of my being. The long days spent on excel usually end with a smile as I watch whatever nationally televised sports game is thrown in my face. However, this week does not provide me with the same joys. Today is Thursday, July 25th, 2024, and I am officially declaring this the most boring sports day in recorded history. 

The Guardians game was over before lunch. The Olympics don’t kick off until tomorrow (albeit the US Men’s soccer team already got boat raced in the second half against France and our girls in stars and stripes did what you would expect against Zambia, which I definitely knew was a real country). There are two baseball games on this evening – the not nationally televised Braves vs Mets game and the Los Angeles Paingels of Anaheim and the soon-to-be Athletics of Sutter Health Park. No basketball. No hockey. No Katie Ledecky winning the 100-meter freestyle by 10 seconds. And worst of all, no football (although training camp videos of Mike Vrabel and Jameis Winston racing have kept me off the ventilator). It is times like these that we as sports fans with no other personality must persevere. The abhorrent conditions I find myself in right now compel me to ponder on what possibly could be worse than this. 

For this list of worst times to be a sports fan, I will forego the aforementioned “Dog Days of Summer” because in 24 hours we will begin the two weeks of enjoyment filled of horrible takes by Noah Lyles, wishing Michael Phelps was still swimming competitively, and the US Men’s Basketball team winning gold for the billionth Olympics in a row.

Without further ado, I give you a poorly written list of the absolute worst times to be a sports fan: 

5. The Bye Week

The NFL by week comes for us like the grim reaper. It doesn’t matter whether your team is rolling or has a .308 winning percentage (which ironically is the Browns’ winning percentage before the bye since I was born in 2000). The bye stinks. Even if your roster is banged up and the team needs the bye, waking up on Sunday morning with no team to root for feels like waking up on your birthday when you’re 25. In reference to the amazing show Severance, I would like to be severed during the bye week. Some may think this it too low on the list, but football is still on, how bad can it really be?

4. The NBA All-Star break

The dunk contest and NBA All-star game are unwatchable. Your college basketball team has started a free fall because they now have to play non-FCS opponents (if Chris Holtmann isn’t coaching your team this may not be the case). And if you’re not from a city with an NHL team you won’t watch a game until April. It’s cold. It gets dark at 4:30. And you’re forced to watch the dunk contest judges give a 10/10 to 98% of the made dunks. 

3. October When Your Baseball Team Fails to Make the Playoffs

October baseball is great in theory but from first pitch to the last out you ask yourself why you even became a sports fan in the first place. It’s only after a win do you see the light and look back fondly on the last 3 hours of torture, telling yourself you enjoyed it. I’m lucky enough to have 6 playoff appearances in the last 10 years. I hated all of them. But I still throw on 2022 ALDS Yankees @ Guardians Game 3 highlights every time I have a few too many Blue Moons.  

2. New Years Eve Night After Your College Football Team Loses

This is a niche pick but still one that hits close to home. To feel this kind of dread your team has to make a New Years Six Bowl, at least. December 31st, 2022 is a date which will live in infamy. I will spare my own sorrow the details and give you the short version: I spent $75 on a cover in Columbus, OH for a New Year’s party and left after 13 minutes once Noah Ruggles crushed my dreams of a National Championship as a student at OSU. 

1. The Monday After a Playoff Loss

Picture this: you drank yourself to sleep on Sunday night because the team you poured your blood, sweat, and tears into since September turned the ball over 3 times and got ran out of the stadium by halftime during the NFL Playoffs. Your coworker you detest is talking like a true non-ball knower in the break room and you are seconds away from a Frank-the-Tank style conniption. Walking into the office at 9am hungover with the realization you have 8 months of despair ahead of you is a feeling I have become all too familiar with. 

As we find ourselves deep in the trenches of the wrong side spectrum, remember that in a few short weeks we will be filled with hopium and a clean slate as our favorite teams begin their regular season and playoff runs. Let us not get ahead of ourselves, the Wrong Side gods know no bounds of how bad things can get. Stay vigilant and focused, better days are (probably not) ahead.